


If You Need Anyone

by lostatsea



Category: Twenty One Pilots
Genre: Anxiety, Depression, Health Anxiety, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, it takes place during the hiatus, josh is really anxious, please don’t read if anything triggers you, this is SUCH a vent, tyler is literally an angel I love him, vent fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-15
Updated: 2018-07-15
Packaged: 2019-06-10 15:12:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,138
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15294201
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lostatsea/pseuds/lostatsea
Summary: The fear that he couldn’t breathe, the feeling that every breath could be his last, the idea that sleep could take him…He grabbed his phone before he could process it and clicked on Tyler’s number.[or the one where Josh is anxious and Tyler talks him through it]





	If You Need Anyone

It was two in the morning in Los Angeles, which meant it was five in Columbus. Josh, nonetheless, sat huddled with his phone around his arms like it was a person, the contact information of Tyler laying temptingly open.

Josh shook and fluttered his eyes open, sweat sprawling from his skin. He could feel the sleep deprivation manifest in a pounding headache, but his head was spinning with too many dangerous thoughts. It’s not that he  _ couldn’t _ sleep, but he  _ wouldn’t _ . He didn’t want to die, and the tight feeling around his throat told him otherwise.

Tyler always told him to call or text whenever, but Josh couldn’t help feel like he was a burden. His anxiety was irrational and ridiculous, and Tyler had a life to enjoy in Columbus. Josh was simply wasting their year break in the emptiness of palm trees and the desert sun. 

Also, the timing was extremely inconvenient. Tyler needed to sleep, and Josh couldn’t ruin his night of rest… 

But then his heart would start beating faster, and his throat would feel a little tighter. Death was on the next block down. 

Before he knew it, tears were sprouting in the corners of his eyes and making his way down his cheeks. He felt so alone and isolated, and a strong feeling in his stomach churned to the tune of death. The fear that he couldn’t breathe, the feeling that every breath could be his last, the idea that sleep could  _ take _ him…

He grabbed his phone before he could process it and clicked on Tyler’s number. He needed to hear his voice and reassurance, and he needed something to ground him rather than the baseless pit of his mind.

The coincidences of the call were pushed out momentarily—Josh needed this. The phone rang for a few seconds, and he could hear his heart beating to the rhythm of the dial tone. He held the phone up to his ear and practically melted into himself when he heard his best friend’s voice drift from the speakers.

“Josh, is everything okay?” 

Josh opened his mouth to speak, but nothing came out but a muffled sob. Josh curled into himself even more and buried his head in his sweatshirt. He couldn’t do this. He couldn’t confront this. He wasn’t going to make it.

“Hey, Josh. Listen to my voice. I’m here, okay? You’re safe. You’re safe,” his voice was serenading, gentle. Josh wanted to cry even more.

“You don’t need to say anything. Just focus on deep breaths, okay?” Tyler continued.

“I can’t do that,” Josh responded hastily, the words suddenly spitting from his lips. “I can’t breathe—my throat. I’m going to die. I swear.”

Josh could hear ruffling on the other end, and that slight pause made him want to scream. His brain felt like it was consuming him alive. 

“You’re not going to die, Josh. You’re healthy, and you get very worried about this stuff. Right?” Tyler spoke calmly. “It’s anxiety blowing it up.”

Josh placed a hand on his head. “But I can’t think about it like that.” His voice sounded desperate, almost pleading-like.

“I know, Josh. I know you’re scared, and I can only imagine how you feel. But you’re going to have to place trust in me and listen to me. Take a deep breath, okay? I promise that it will help.”

Josh nodded, which was more of a reassurance to himself, before he inhaled slowly and carefully and felt the air fill his lungs.

“Can you breathe?” Tyler prompted him.

“I can,” Josh said, biting his lip and leaning against his pillow. He felt like he was going to cry again. Tyler was so patient and gentle—he didn’t deserve that. 

“You can breathe, see? You’re okay, Josh. I promise.”

Josh’s lip felt like glue stuck together. 

“I know it’s not easy, Josh. I wish I could make it better,” Tyler resumed speaking once noting that Josh had remained silent. 

Josh didn’t reply again, and a thick quiet settled around them. Only noise of the fan accompanied the midnight landscape, and Josh felt trapped.

It was during the silence that his brain was the loudest. His mind was racing to the depths of his thoughts, into the dangerous parts that he didn’t like to acknowledge existed. He had health anxiety for many years now, but just recently, there seemed to be a spike that spiraled. He needed freedom from his mind, and he had an idea of how to obtain that.

He had fell into this same pattern of thought two years ago, but it was small. None needed to know. He had hinted it to Tyler before, but he never let anyone in further than that and made sure it never developed into something serious. Josh was known for putting up walls, and he’d have to do the same here: 

But what he really needed a distraction and a way to ground him. Maybe pain was the only antidote. (He wouldn’t have to do a lot. He’d keep it small and quick and behind hidden doors and no one would have to know.)

“Josh, are you there?” Tyler’s voice cut through the quiet, and Josh didn’t even realize he had drifted from reality. 

“I am,” he responded quietly.  _ Was he? _

“What are you thinking now? You can talk to me,” Tyler prompted him. “Please let me in.”

“I think I just need to escape my mind,” Josh mumbled, turning over on his side and letting himself succumb to the softness of the pillow. “Maybe that means sleep. Maybe something else. I don’t know— I’m fine.”

“I don’t believe that,” Tyler said, pausing. “Please. I’m here for you.”

“Tyler, I just don’t know what to do anymore,” Josh responded and felt the tears returning. “I’m stranded in this cycle of thinking I’m going to die. There’s no way out. There’s no one here. I can’t do this.”

“I’m going to fly out tomorrow,” Tyler quickly replied. 

“For my funeral?” Josh mumbled.

“Please don’t say that,” Tyler sighed. “This is all anxiety. You can breathe fine, and if you don’t feel better in the morning, I’ll take you to the doctor. This is nothing serious. You’re going to live.”

“Okay,” Josh took a breath. “I’ll be okay.”

“That’s what you have to tell yourself. It’s the truth.”

“But it’s hard to believe,” Josh turned his head into his bed and shut his eyes tight. He needed to block out everything—“Can you distract me?”

“Sure. I can do that, Josh. I’ll tell you all about my day, okay?” Tyler didn’t wait for a response before continuing. “I was working on a bit of music this morning. There’s this bass riff that’s coming along well, but I need your drumming on top of it. Afterthat, Jenna dragged me along to this donut shop in the center of town. It was decent—I got a chocolate one—but Taco Bell is better. I think Taco Bell is better than everything, but we didn’t get any. We stopped by my brother’s house on the  way home to see Tatum, which is  _ crazy _ . I can’t believe everyone around me is pregnant. It’s just hilarious how time flies.”

Josh made sure to focus on every word rather than the tempting thoughts circulating in his mind. Somehow, though, his original thoughts were still prevailing, and he was still shaking with the idea of death lingering on.

“—and so then Zack almost killed me with this nasty three-pointer. Luckily, in the last two minutes I was able to pull ahead with a shot in the paint. We ended up winning. Maddy was lucky she had me on my team. It was literally like I was young again, but I don’t know, Josh. Is this helping? I’m not sure if it is.”

Josh shifted uncomfortable. “Umm—I think so.”

“What are you thinking about now? How are you doing?”

Did Josh really want to say this? He didn’t need Tyler to get worried—or involved at all—and this would definitely make him go over the edge and fly out if he wasn’t set to do it already. The thoughts that he was having were personal and not to be shared. He could deal with them on his own; he could fight these off himself (or maybe even cave in). He didn’t need Tyler to leave Columbus and his family and his life. Josh shouldn’t have called, shouldn’t have bothered him, shouldn’t have—

He needed something to distract him from his mind.

“Josh?”

He remained silent. The bed felt like hay.

“Are you okay?” 

Josh clenched his fists and stared into the dark walls.

“Please talk to me.”

Josh took a breath. “I want to hurt myself.”

“Josh,” Tyler’s tone was desperate yet surprising relaxed. “Josh, that’s okay. I promise that’s okay. We’re going to get through this together. We’re going to figure it out. But please don’t hurt yourself.”

Josh’s mind was somewhere else. This wasn’t real. This wasn’t happening. 

Tyler continued speaking. “Do you want me to fly out right now? I can drive to an airport and board the plane. I’d be there in six hours, maybe.”

“I just want to feel better  _ now _ ,” Josh said quietly. He hated how his voice sounded so weak.

“I know.” Josh could hear Tyler pace as he spoke. “I know that it’s hard to see a better future. I’ve been there.”

Josh leaned against the headboard.

“Please don’t hurt yourself,” Tyler repeated. “It’s not going to solve anything, and it could make it worse. We can make it better in other ways, okay? You could write, drum, talk more, or even draw. Anything is better than hurting yourself.”

“I know,” Josh said, voice small. “I’m sorry. I probably just need to sleep, but I don’t know if I can.”

“You don’t need to apologize. But if you can sleep, just try, please?” Tyler asked gently. “I’ll be there in the morning.” 

“I would fall asleep if I closed my eyes, but I don’t want to. I’ll die,” Josh explained loosely. 

“Josh—”

“You don’t have to keep talking to me. It’s fine. I’ll deal with this on my own. I shouldn’t have called.”

“Please listen to me. We’ll get through this together,” Tyler persisted.

“You can’t just say we’ll get through this without an answer. Nothing is going to get better. I give up.  _ I give up.” _

“Please don’t give up.”

“Well, I don’t have any other options.”

“Time?” Tyler suggested meekly, the only time confidence seemed to be faltering in this voice. “I’m so sorry I don’t have more options, but you’ll make it to the morning and we’ll see how are you then. We’ll go to a doctor if you need it; we’ll get you help if you want it. We can deal with it together, and I’ll stay out in Los Angeles for a bit. We’ll write music. I need your help with it. You’re going to be okay, Josh. That’s not an empty promise. You’re going to be okay.”

“I don’t believe it,” Josh let the tears roll down his face. He didn’t care anymore.

“You don’t have to right now, but you’ll believe it in time.”

Josh sighed. “I don’t know.”

“You don’t have to know.”

“I’m tired of it.”

“Sleep, Josh.”

“I guess I’ll try.” Another sigh. He couldn’t make it awake for much longer. (He didn’t know if he cared to stay awake much longer.)

“I’ll be here the whole time,” Tyler paused for a moment. “Do you want me to sing?”

“Can you?” Josh’s voice was barely above a whisper. 

Through the silence that started to developed, Tyler softly began to sing. It was new tune—Josh didn’t recognize it—but it felt like he had known it for years. It was simple yet sweet, what he needed, and Josh closed his eyes to try to soak it in, the delicate melody becoming the main symphony in his mind.

He let the sound encompass him, and eventually, he drifted into a drowsy state. It wasn’t long before he slipped into a sleep and let his inevitable exhaustion overcome him. Tyler heard the steady through the speaker and sighed, relieved. All he wanted was his friend to be okay. 

He hung up the call after listening for five minutes to a calmer Josh. But without hesitating, he woke Jenna up after: he needed a ride to the airport. 

Although morning would reveal the return of a spinning mind and anxious thoughts for Josh, Tyler would be there and they would conquer it together. Maybe Josh wouldn’t be fully better, and maybe it would even take several weeks for him to breathe easy again. But they had time, and maybe, that would be enough. 

It would have to be enough. 

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading this vent. If you liked it, please comment and let me know. <3


End file.
